Sometimes I worry after bookings that it was all faked. Even though I usually get on with escorts pretty well. Because it's their job, they're going to tell me what I want to hear. But I do care about the lady too, how do I know if she's actually having fun?
If you spend time with an escort, are they being genuine, or are they only pretending?
A lot of clients worry about this question. Society’s stereotypes about sex work often suggest nobody really wants to do this job...that we all hate it but we’re pretending to like you, so we can take your money. It sounds so awful! If you're concerned, I don't blame you.
But the truth is, sex work is just a job.
When you pay someone to mow your lawn, do you stand there watching them thinking, “I bet they’re only mowing my lawn because I’m paying them, and they hate me for it." When you get a great haircut from your stylist, do you feel bad afterwards about the great conversation you had while you were in the chair?
In short, why do clients feel bad about paying for sexual services, when they don't worry about any purchasing other types of work?
I think it might have something to do with the fact that sex is so incredibly personal. We're often told that it's shameful and bad for us. We also often assume that we should know all about it, and do everything right in the bedroom. When those competing pressures collide, we're left feeling insecure - and we rely on our intimate partners to reassure us.
This might mean getting positive feedback through words or body language. It could mean finding out what your partner enjoys, so you can please them too. Or it may involve asking for constructive criticism, so you can do better.
But is mutual enjoyment possible when you're purchasing a service? Can you really rely on an escort to be honest about how they feel, if you've paid them to be there in the first place?
The truth about 'genuine'
I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that it’s very possible to have genuine, mutually pleasurable interactions with escorts. The bad news? Well, as in everyday life, genuine moments come and go. You have to enjoy them when they’re there, and learn to manage when they're not.
Think about the sort of person you are when you’re at work. Are you being yourself? Probably. But are you being the same self as when you’re at home in your tracksuit pants? I’m guessing the answer is 'no'.
Human beings have genuine moments all the time – we share our feelings with friends, we laugh with strangers while waiting in line at the grocery store, we have honest chats with colleagues at work. But we don’t spend the whole day being brutally honest, or telling everyone our deep-and-meaningful feelings, because we’d never get anything done!
'Genuine’ is not permanent. It’s a state we move in and out of as we’re interacting with someone.
Being with an escort is no different. There are moments where you feel as though you understand each other, and where you both experience genuine pleasure. At other times, the service your receive might be more performative. There will be times when your escort shares their honest desires with you, and times when they’re not quite there, but still doing their best to give you a great service.
If the situation doesn't feel genuine, perhaps you haven’t arrived at the right moment yet. Rather than worrying about whether your escort is really enjoying themselves, it's better to simply do your best, relax, and give them time to connect with you.
The trick with this is that you can’t force it. No amount of worrying will make it happen. Some clients ask, 'Are you really having fun, or just pretending?' over and over, and it totally kills the mood. Paradoxically, being too concerned about whether your escort is having a good time might actually make things awkward. It’s hard to relax and be ourselves when we feel as though someone is watching our every move!
Instead, take a gentle approach. You need to create the right environment, and let your escort relax. That means taking the time to get to know them, respecting their needs and wishes, being honest about what you want from them and, above all, not putting too much pressure on them to reassure you.
Genuine pleasure is possible...if you let it happen.
I have had many touching, genuine, and intensely pleasurable moments with my clients.
I think that those times when we really connect and can be honest with each other are one of the best things about escort dates. And they only happen when we stop worrying.
Escort encounters, just any date, move in and out of 'genuine' depending on the timing and the connection. But the more you worry about whether it’s ‘real,’ the less likely you are to experience those moments. Rather than spending too much time questioning how 'real' your encounter is, try to relax and give 'genuine' a chance to happen.
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My guide 'Getting Started with Escorts' explains how to arrange a session with a hands-on sex worker.