Do escorts ever fall in love with clients?
They say you can meet your partner anywhere, right? If you’re a customer of sex workers, you may be wondering whether it ever turns into something more.
Or it might be more specific: you've met an escort that you click with, and you’re hoping that this sense of connection means you have a future together beyond the negotiated interactions you currently enjoy.
I don’t like to make generalizations about what can and can’t happen (after all, the universe is an amazing place!) But I feel it’s also important to be realistic. So I’m going to give you my answer, and also explain why this kind of ‘wishful thinking’ is best avoided if you want a good professional relationship with your provider.
Reality check: the answer is ‘no’
You can meet your life partner anywhere, right? Sex work is just a job, and I know a few folks who have met their wives, boyfriends, or enbyfriends while working at their local coffee shop or doing shots at the annual work/client Christmas party.
You may have heard some of these stories too. And if you’ve met a sex worker you really like, you might be recalling these incidents to support your wishful thinking. But, in practice, there are very good reasons why escorts don’t generally fall for their clients.
It’s our job to be nice to you. A great connection and sizzling sexual chemistry are wonderful to experience, but they’re not a sign that there’s a romantic connection. Rather, this kind of energy is our job. Sex workers have an incredible array of social and sexual skills…we use these to make sure the encounter feels effortless for you. If it feels good, it’s because we’ve put in the effort to treat you well as a client…not because we secretly want you to ask us out.
Most escorts don’t date their clients. I can’t speak for all workers, of course, but many of us (myself included) have hard limits around not dating our customers. The boundary between ‘work’ and ‘home life’ needs to be strong so that we can act professionally and take care of you in session. If you push that boundary, you might start receiving poor service!
Odds are, you’re not our type. Although I’m very fond of my clients, that affection is different from the attachment I have to romantic partners. I look for different things in my customers - a sense of humor and interesting life experiences, for example - and ignore criteria I might apply to my personal dating life, such as age, gender, and politics. People who ‘fit the bill’ as my perfect client are completely different from people who tick all my boxes in my dating life. I suspect the same is true for many other escorts.
Your wishful thinking isn’t helping
Now that I’ve explained why the answer to your question is ‘probably not’, it’s important we talk about how this kind of thinking could be affecting your sessions with escorts. Many regular clients torture themselves with fantasies of dating their provider and it can totally ruin a good worker/client relationship.
If you agonize about this issue day in and day out, you’re exposing yourself to a lot of unnecessary stress and drama. You may end up feeling lovesick and miserable. If the angst is affecting your mental health you may need to stop seeing that worker altogether.
And on the other hand, if your provider picks up on your feelings, they may see it as a boundary violation. Being pressured (even subtly) to date a client is unpleasant. It distracts from the time you spend together. If you’re giving off the ‘Will they date me?’ vibe, you may eventually be cut off by your escort.
How to have good boundaries
If you want a productive, long-term working relationship with your sex professional, it’s essential to avoid this kind of situation. Here are a few tips for not making it weird.
Avoid the relationship escalator. In sex and dating, the ‘relationship escalator’ is the idea that a romantic relationship should follow a specific path, and hit specific milestones, to be considered successful. Hanging out together all the time, declarations of love, meeting family, monogamy, marriage, kids…these are all ‘check boxes’ for traditional relationships. But a professional relationship with a sex worker doesn’t work that way. If you start making grand gestures or declare your love, you’re going to get shut down really fast. So it’s essential to let go of the idea that your connection needs to intensify, and simply enjoy the time you spend together.
Don’t ask them about their feelings. If you’re having big feels, it can be tempting to declare them. We already know that’s a bad idea, right? It’s also a bad move to ask for reciprocation. Saying, “Do you feel the same way about me as I do about you?” is pointless and will only make your worker feel uncomfortable. We’re paid professionals, of course we don’t feel the same way! The best you can hope for is that we have a genuine affection for you as a client…and asking invasive personal questions will drain that goodwill pretty fast.
Put boundaries in place. As with all feelings, taking responsibility is essential. It’s your job to take care of what’s going on inside your own head. That means setting some boundaries if you recognize that things are getting out of control. Boundaries are very individual - it’s all about making rules for yourself that will help keep your emotions in check. Some people set a limit on how many times they can see one worker, for example. Sometimes you may wish to limit the length of a session, and stick to shorter encounters with less possibility of deep intimacy. Or you may wish to deliberately avoid topics that feel too personal. It’s all about deciding what works for you, then sticking to your own rules.
Look elsewhere for romance. Many clients see sex workers as an excellent way to practice their sexual and social skills. While you’re seeing a provider or two, why not also work on your personal dating life? You may wish to seek out some therapy to get your head around dating again if it’s been a long time. Or you might try actually going on a few dates with non-workers, secure in the knowledge that if it doesn’t work out, you’re still getting laid. Sex workers are wonderful for taking the pressure off, so you can date and socialize without coming across as a tense ball of sexual tension! Many people find that getting their sexual needs met makes them feel more confident, which leads to better connections in their personal lives.
If this answer wasn’t exactly what you wanted to hear, you have my sympathy. But it’s better to be realistic about sex work, and what your worker can provide than tie yourself in emotional knots. There are a lot of advantages to seeing escorts - some that can even help you land a mate elsewhere! I’d encourage you to enjoy this for what it is, without the pressure of wondering if it’s possible to date your worker.
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