"How can I manage my jealousy?"

"How can I manage my jealousy?"

Georgie Wolf
Georgie Wolf
I was wondering if you had any advice for me on something that I’m struggling with as a client of full-service workers. I was wondering if you have any advice on clients being jealous of other clients. I just feel like being a client is a competition and it’s like the Hunger Games, trying to be more memorable than others.

I understand where you're coming from. It's not uncommon for clients of full-service workers to experience feelings of jealousy or competition.

It's great that you're reaching out for advice on this, as it shows you’re keen to understand and manage this stuff constructively! So let’s unpack it a bit.

In any kind of relationship - whether it’s monogamous, open, or professional - jealousy is often considered to be any negative feelings of being left out, de-prioritized, or neglected that you experience when the person you’re attached to interacts with another person. You may feel as though you’re being treated second-best, or that they’re moving away from you and becoming closer to others.

Most of the time, jealousy isn’t about the other person - it’s about you. There could be a number of reasons the ‘green monster’ is popping up, including:

  • Insecurity - feeling that you don’t measure up to other people in some way
  • Fear - of losing the person you’re attached to, or of getting less of their time
  • Shame - if you feel that you’re not a good person, interactions with others could seem like proof that your worker thinks the same way
  • Toxic monogamy culture - If you’re spending time with someone who has other sexual partners - as is the case here - jealousy could be a result of the assumptions many of us have about what relationships should be like. We often assume that, if a sexual partner sleeps with other people, it means we’re not enough for them.

From reading your question, it feels as though you want to be the ‘best client’ for your provider. It might be important to you that your worker likes you more than other people so that you can trust that your interactions with them are genuine.

This is understandable. It's natural to want to feel special or valued, especially in intimate encounters. But that’s not how a professional relationship with a sex worker functions! If you’re going to have positive encounters with the pros, you’ll need to take a step back and be realistic in your expectations for the relationship.

Here are a few things to consider:

  • Your provider isn’t your partner. A professional relationship with a sex worker isn’t the same as a romantic relationship; chances are, your provider sees you as a good client but doesn’t share your feelings of attachment. It’s a job, and the boundaries are very different.
  • Social media is about marketing, not expectations. You might see providers posting on their social accounts about expensive trips or lavish gifts, but this is often more about marketing and 'brand' than how they need to be treated all the time. If you provide all screening details, have excellent personal hygiene, turn up on time, pay the agreed rate discreetly, and treat your workers respectfully, you've cleared the bar for being a good client.
  • Most workers don’t play favorites. The whole point of sex work is that we have a range of different regulars! Treating everyone well is key to a long career in the industry. You’re not going to lose us if you’re not ‘number one’.
  • A genuine connection can’t be created on demand. You can’t buy it with expensive gifts. You can’t expect it simply because you’re a good client. How well you get along with your worker, and how genuinely they like you, is something you have no control over. You simply need to show up, do your best, and accept what they offer.

So, what can you do about jealous feelings? This is easier said than done, but it’s essential to address this stuff. If you don’t, your feelings may cause you to act out in front of your provider, which will make things uncomfortable and could cause them to cut off contact with you. At the very least, the situation sounds like it’s making you miserable. So let’s look at a few ways to tackle this.

Remind yourself that it’s a professional relationship. It’s not a romantic connection, no matter how strong your feelings. Your provider is allowed to see as many other clients as they want. If you worry you’re getting too attached, you might need to work on managing those romantic feelings.

Respect their boundaries. If you express your jealous feelings to your provider, you may make them feel uncomfortable. You might also be tempted to seek validation from them in other ways, such as contacting them outside of the booking time for chats or support. Don’t do this! It’s a quick way to ruin the relationship.

Examine (and take responsibility for) your emotions. Where does your jealousy come from, and what does it tell you? Remember, this situation isn’t about your worker’s behavior. It’s about your own assumptions, expectations, and insecurities. Do you need to address some negative feelings about yourself? Is there a fear that needs to be acknowledged? Do you have strong feelings about monogamy that are messing with you, even though this isn’t that kind of relationship? If there’s a lot to unpack, a sex-positive therapist can be really helpful.

As I said earlier, feeling a sense of competition or jealousy as a client isn’t unusual. But you must handle these feelings in a healthy, respectful way…or you risk making things very awkward. My suggestions: Focus on the specific stuff you enjoy when you’re with your worker, and understand that anything else that happens when you’re not around is irrelevant. Give up on trying to be the ‘best client’ and simply accept being a ‘good client’. It’s the best anyone can hope for.

By doing this, you're not only respecting the nature of your provider’s work but also setting realistic expectations, which will lead to a more satisfying encounter.