“When it comes to married clients, I understand it’s a professional arrangement that is being provided, and a client’s personal circumstances shouldn’t necessarily make any difference to the service (in the same way that the personal circumstances of the SW really has nothing to do with the client).
But as a woman, how do you feel about married clients? I mean, do you believe in monogamy? And hence how do you feel about married clients seeing you?
Also, are married clients different? Do you feel like they’re more needy, emotionally speaking? I’ve not been with a SW before, but am interested in doing so. I’ve almost booked twice now but have stopped it before booking and locking a time in. I feel as though I’m being unfaithful but if there’s something missing in my marriage, why not use a professional service where there is a degree of emotional detachment?”
I once had an interesting encounter with a young man in a brothel that changed the way I think about cheating.
He came in and booked to see me for an hour, then when we were alone he confessed that he’d only ever slept with one woman, his wife. He was curious to see what cheating on her would feel like.
We got naked and sexy, and then we lay in bed together afterwards and I asked, ‘How do you feel?’
‘I feel like shit,’ he said.
‘Well, now you’ve learned something.’ I said. I very much doubt he ever cheated on his wife again.
I don’t judge people who sleep with multiple partners. I’m non-monogamous (I practice a kind of polyamory) so I’m very comfortable with the idea. I also support people who choose to be monogamous, knowing that it’s right for them. The issue here isn’t having lots of sex – it’s lying. If you agree to be monogamous and then see escorts without telling your partner, you’re lying to one of the most significant people in your life. And it’s your job to decide whether the risks (and the stress or guilt) are worth it.
When I first started work in the sex industry, I judged clients who were cheating on their partners. I don’t like dishonesty, and it really bugged me – I felt as though I was helping these guys screw up their relationships. But over time I recognised that it wasn’t my place to tell them what they should or shouldn’t do. I’m a service provider; just like the salesman that sells someone’s husband a car he can’t really afford, it’s not up to me to police the lives of others.
Relationships are complicated, and there are many reasons why people might choose to stray. For example:
- They might feel okay about cheating, and fine with lying
- They might be deeply unhappy in their relationship and trying to end it
- They may have desires or kinks that their partner finds unacceptable (or that they’re too afraid to reveal)
- They may be in a sexless marriage that they can’t end, due to shared life commitments
- There could be a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ arrangement – one partner has given the other permission to fuck around, as long it’s never spoken of.
- There could be threats and/or pressure to stay in a marriage that isn’t working
- Their partner may be chronically or terminally ill, and unable to have sex
Sex columnist Dan Savage argues that sometimes, cheating can save a relationship rather than end it. If you’re not getting what you need and your partner is opposed to the idea of opening up the relationship, it may feel as though cheating is your only option.
I’ve listened to a lot of clients’ stories. And at this point, I honestly can’t judge whether cheating is okay. It’s something you need to decide for yourself. I’ll always favour honest, open relationships in my personal life – but that has nothing to do with my work, and at work you’ll find me respectful of your choices, whether I agree with them or not.
With regards to neediness, I wouldn’t generalise. There is a pattern though: married or not, people with unresolved issues going on in their lives tend to require more emotional work than those who don’t. So if you’re struggling with loneliness or depression, relationship issues, or traumatic events, I’d always recommend you see a therapist before you see a sex worker.
That way, you won’t bring your personal problems into the booking with you, and you’ll be able to enjoy yourself without stressing your worker out.