I’m really shy and socially anxious. Arranging to see an escort is torture for me, because I’m so nervous, and when I meet them it feels awkward and horrible – I’m so embarrassed. What can I do to get my anxiety under control?
Feeling anxious when you're on a date with an escort: it's a common issue.
You might think I can't relate, but I do. When I’m meeting a new customer, I often get nervous about whether we’re going to click, whether they’re safe to hang out with, and whether I can give them the kind of experience that will make them happy.
These fears can sometimes get in the way of me doing a good job. I might be dreading the date, feel awkward, or hold back from being myself. If you're anxious when you meet a sex worker, you might have similar problems.
No matter your specific fears, here are my thoughts about handling anxiety before an escort date.
Why is anxiety with escorts a problem?
Why should you try and manage your anxiety, rather than just ignoring it and hoping for the best? Turns out, there are many ways your fears can get the better of of you...
You might freak out at the last minute
If you're in denial about your level of nerves before a date, they might catch you by surprise.
I've seen this happen often with new clients - they're polite and enthusiastic, but suddenly vanish before confirming their session. Sometimes they book, then never show up, or cancel with an excuse that's clearly fake.
If you cancel at the last minute, especially if you no-show or use a dishonest excuse, your escort will be annoyed and might refuse to accept your booking requests in the future. Even if you do manage to work up the courage to follow through later, you probably won't be able to see them again.
You might have performance issues
Our bodies and brains work together. That means, if you're nervous, you might have trouble getting a boner.
It's such a disappointing situation - you've spent all this money on a date with a sex worker, but your 'bits' refuse to cooperate. Just to be clear: a boner isn't always necessary for good sex, but for a lot of guys it feels crushing.
Although an experienced sex worker won't give you a hard time for having erection problems, it might limit the type of activities you can get up to...and you might feel disappointed because you didn't get exactly the experience you were hoping for.
You might not be able to enjoy yourself
When you spend time with an escort, one of the biggest factors in whether you have a good time is how much you can focus on the moment.
This is known as 'mindfulness' - your ability to concentrate on what’s going on. Feeling anxious gets in the way if this; when your fears and worries take over, you can't concentrate 100% on what’s happening.
And, similar to daydreaming instead of paying attention, you’re going to miss the important stuff - like pleasure, fun, and connection. You might end up wasting your time and money.
Lastly, it just feels bad
Feeling nervous, insecure, and awkward sucks. It's like going for a job interview or being seated next to a family member you don't get along with at dinner - nobody enjoys that stuff, right?
When anxiety crashes the party, it turns a potentially fun experience into a grind. Since you're paying so much for your escort experience, it can be disheartening to find you're not enjoying yourself.
Tips for handling anxiety around escorts
So what do we do about anxiety? What should YOU do, when you’re meeting a new escort or when you’re getting sexy with someone, and those feelings come up?
Here are a few ideas.
Remind yourself that everyone gets nervous about sex
I’m sure I’m telling you what you already know… sex is incredibly nerve-wracking!
Nobody tells us how to do this stuff, right? We all enjoy different activities in the bedroom and have different boundaries - working out how to please a partner can be very tricky indeed. Coupled with the fact that many people - especially guys - feel pressured to get it right the first time without having to ask, this can make sex with someone new feel intimidating.
In these situations, I like to remind myself that my play partner probably feels just as nervous as I do. Rather than worrying about whether I'm going to look silly, I start thinking about what I can do to help them feel more comfortable. Often, this causes my anxiety to vanish.
Admit to your feelings
For me, half the problem with anxiety is that I try to pretend it’s not happening. So when you try to shove it down and act like everything’s normal, it comes out in all sorts of weird ways we’re not expecting. It sounds weird, but sometimes the best way to deal with anxiety is to admit you’re anxious and give yourself permission – “Hey, it’s ok you’re nervous! Everyone gets nervous!”
As an escort, it’s my job to help you get comfortable. By telling me how you feel – “Just so you know, I’m really shy and I feel so nervous right now!” – I can reassure you that you’re doing fine, and give you time to relax.
Breathe through it (even if it's uncomfortable)
Often, negative or uncomfortable emotions become even worse when we ignore them. Once we acknowledge what's happening, they slowly drift away.
Take a deep breath, and breathe slowly out. Pay attention to how your fear feels in your body - where is it? Can you touch it, or shake it out, or breathe it out? Try 'walking it off' or writing down how you feel.
The more you let yourself feel the uncomfortable stuff without trying to squash it down or deny it, the easier it is to let it pass.
It can be helpful to practice mindfulness or mediation techniques such as slow breathing, or grounding. The Headspace app has a range of guided exercises – if anxiety comes up a lot for you, I recommend you check it out!
"What if none of that works?"
Perhaps, no matter what you try, every escort encounter you have is really awful. Perhaps the anxiety is so overpowering you can't think, or speak, or act normally at all.
If this is happening to you, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. But it does mean that you might need to get some help managing it. A sex-positive therapist - especially someone who specialises in anxiety - can offer great advice and help you come up with strategies that work for you.
Honestly, anxiety is okay.
When you’re in an escort booking, the session is supposed to be about you and what you need. It’s a time when you’re allowed to be yourself.
Being anxious or awkward is okay. It’s a human experience. A good escort will understand, and work with you to find situations and activities you're more comfortable with.
Anxiety often improves as you become more experienced at seeing escorts. As you learn to relax, you’ll worry less, feel less awkward, and have better experiences.
Get the free ebook now
My guide 'Getting Started with Escorts' explains how to arrange a session with a hands-on sex worker.