I'm a guy who loves pleasing women, and I want to make sure my escort enjoys things as well, but I'm not experienced. How can I make things better?
I think this is a really nice question. It’s great that there are clients out there who want to make sure their escort has fun in the bedroom. And it’s a good attitude, because I also find that the people who also care about their partner's pleasure tend to have the best sex.
But before I give you my thoughts on how to be a great lover, I'd firstly like to point out that you don't need to be experienced to be great in bed.
We often assume that conventionally attractive, socially confident people who get laid more often are usually better at sex. But my years in the industry have proved that isn't the case. I've met plenty of hot guys who didn't have a clue how to find the clitoris. I've met successful professionals who didn't bother to ask me what I enjoyed and what I didn't. Being smart, successful, hot, or confident doesn't guarantee that you're going to be great in bed.
On the other hand, I've also spent time with shy and inexperienced clients who were lots of fun, simply because they cared about me enough to make an effort. And although they didn't get everything right, they learned fast.
So, when it comes to being a good lover, it's not necessarily about how many people you've slept with. Rather, it comes down to a few key skills: confidence, effort, and communication.
Confidence: Being comfortable when you're naked
I know I just said confident people aren't necessarily good in bed, right? But there's another kind of confidence - a basic level of confidence in yourself, when you're naked and getting sexy with someone.
A lot of folks struggle with this. They might feel bad about their bodies, worry about getting (or staying) hard, or feel shame around sex. All of this stuff can be inhibiting, and makes for a very awkward vibe. It's hard to enjoy sex when you feel scared or ashamed!
The best thing you can do for yourself - and your partners - is to work on finding a better headspace. It means tackling some of the negative ideas that you have about yourself, such as 'I'm too inexperienced to be good in bed' or 'I'm too old, nobody is going to find me attractive'. You may also have to unlearn some negative attitudes about sex, such as 'Sex is shameful and gross' or 'Having casual sex is wrong'.
At the end of the day, sex - and pleasure - is good for us. We all deserve to enjoy sex, and as long as you treat the people you meet respectfully, you're not doing anything wrong.
If you're really stuck in the negatives, or struggling with your self-esteem, a sex-positive therapist might be able to help.
Effort: The best way to show you care
Some clients see casual sex as trivial, and don’t put too much thought into it.
These sorts of people do sex the same way every time, not paying attention to whether their worker is enjoying themselves. In my experience, this kind of encounter isn't great - it tends to be rushed and a mindless. Because they're only focused on themselves, they don't pay attention to what I need, and I end up feeling like they don't see me as a person at all.
That's not fun for me, obviously! It's also bad for them, because it means they're having a very mechanical, superficial experience.
Good sex means being connected with your partner - taking an interest in them, and caring about whether they're having a good time. If you simply see them as an object, or don't put any effort into engaging, you're probably going to suck in bed.
Not sure how to engage fully in the bedroom? Read on - I have some ideas below.
Communication: Asking and inviting
So maybe you want to please your partner, but you’re just not sure how.
We often feel as though we're not allowed to talk about sex. We try things out and hope for the best, but we're too afraid to ask whether we did well, for fear of hearing criticism. Unfortunately, this way of doing sex often doesn't work. To get it right, we need to ask for what we want, and invite our partners to tell us what they want.
I always recommend asking beforehand – saying “Hey, can I spank you on the butt?” or, "I'd love to go down on you right now." If you ask in a sexy way, it can be a hot part of foreplay. And once your playmate has given you an enthusiastic 'yes' you'll feel confident that they're just as into it as you are.
During sex, it's also useful to invite your escort to tell you what they need. This could be as simple as asking 'How does that feel?' and letting them guide you with further instructions. Or, if you're not sure what to do next, try 'What's something you'd like me to do for you right now?'
This kind of communication might feel a bit weird, if you're not used to talking during sex. But once you've practiced a little and you feel more confident, it means you'll never have to guess what someone likes or hope they're enjoying themselves...you'll simply be able to ask.
When you share your feelings and ask your lover for what they want, it brings you closer together. This is what’s called connection – the feeling of being in tune with your playmate. It leads to confidence, intimacy, and much better sex.
Remember, you don't need to be perfect.
When it comes to sex, we often put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We worry that unless we have all the right moves in the bedroom, we're just not good enough.
But it's not about knowing everything. You don't have to be perfect. Rather, your escort will appreciate your efforts to connect and communicate. If you get your head straight beforehand, put some work in, and communicate well, your date will have a much more pleasurable experience.
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My guide 'Getting Started with Escorts' explains how to arrange a session with a hands-on sex worker.