“I found a beautiful escort, tried to become a regular, but had to quit after a fantastic three-day holiday with her at a five-star spa. Because I was feeling I was falling in love, checking her Twitter and OnlyFans obsessively, and getting depressed when she did not answer a message on WhatsApp. What can I do to avoid this from happening again? I am freshly divorced after a toxic relationship with kids, so I am unstable emotionally.”
When you really like someone, how do you avoid becoming obsessed with them? We all know what it feels like to have a crush; when we can’t stop thinking about them, or worry endlessly that they won’t see us again.
This problem is super common with people who see escorts.
Personally, I blame the relationship escalator. The ‘escalator’ is this idea we’re taught about romantic situations – that when we have feelings for someone, the relationship must follow specific stages. So, for example, when you’ve been dating someone for a while, it’s expected that you’ll call them your ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend.’ When you’ve dated them for a long time, you might feel pressured to say, ‘I love you.’ And after that, there’s expectations that you’ll move in together, get married, have kids, all that stuff. Basically, the longer you know someone, the more intense the relationship is supposed to become.
But not everybody wants to do things that way. And when it comes to sex workers, the escalator can cause a lot of trouble. Feelings are great, and it’s nice to be having sex with someone you care about. But when escort clients start to feel affection for their workers, they often fall into the trap of feeling as though the relationship has to escalate the same way a regular romantic attachment would, and they become miserable when it doesn’t.
It sounds like this is what’s happening with you. Because you’re having enjoyable feelings, you want more – and because society tells us that romantic feelings should escalate until they’re all-consuming, you’ve let those feelings take over the rest of your life.
Notice how I said ‘let them take over’? We often assume attachment and love is something that we can’t control, but that’s not how it really works. We choose who to fall for, even though we’re sometimes not fully conscious of the choices we’re making!
Often when we’re suffering from romantic obsession, it’s because we WANT those feelings for some reason. I’m not saying you want to feel terrible, but perhaps you want to get lost in a crush on someone and enjoy feeling overwhelmed with emotion? It’s understandable. This sort of stuff can help distract us from the other troubling events in our lives. If your recent divorce is still on your mind, it might seem easier to get involved in an unrequited attachment than to process what you’ve just suffered.
Here’s your reality check: Your escort can’t date you, nor return your feelings. She is a business person – she’s too busy with other clients to chat in between bookings, or spend time with you for free. Accepting that your relationship with your worker can’t escalate is essential, if you want to avoid becoming a lovesick, miserable mess.
Many long-term clients have strategies that help them stop getting attached. Here are a few examples of things you could try:
- limit how often you see one particular escort
- stick to short bookings rather than indulging in long ones
- spend time with lots of different ladies, to remind yourself that you don’t need to rely on just one
Most importantly, let your feelings out when you’re with your escort, but learn to put them away when the session is over. I call it ‘staying in your lane.’ Those fun, overwhelming feelings of affection have to go back in the box once you’ve finished playing with them.
I think you might also benefit from getting support from a sex-positive therapist. Often when we’re struggling with a breakup, we throw ourselves straight into the next romance – when we really need to spend more time processing our shit. A good therapist – one who won’t judge you for seeing sex workers – can give you awesome support and life advice. They might also show you how to get a handle on your feelings, so that next time you meet a sex worker, you won’t get swept up in that romantic ‘escalator’.
The key to having good experiences with escorts is enjoying your emotions, but not letting them get out of hand. It’s not easy, and it takes a lot of practice. But once you can master your feelings, you’ll have a lot of fun.
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My guide 'Getting Started with Escorts' explains how to arrange a session with a hands-on sex worker.