"My escort won't date me. Does that mean they don't like me?"

"My escort won't date me. Does that mean they don't like me?"

Georgie Wolf
Georgie Wolf
Why do escorts view clients as damaged goods not worthy of friendship or as partners? There is little difference between gents who pay for sex and those who supposedly don't, in the end all men pay!

I agree with you - there's no difference between gents who do and don't pay for sex.

People from all walks of life (not just guys) choose to see sex workers for a whole load of reasons. If someone judges you for that - whether they're a worker or not - they're in the wrong.

But that's not really what's going on here, is it?

It sounds very much like you're hurt or angry that workers who you've seen as customers in the past won't be friends with you or date you. That's a lot to unpick, so let's look at each statement separately.

"Why do escorts view clients as damaged goods?"

Has your escort specifically told you that you're damaged goods? I hope not! That's a terrible judgement to make about someone else, and it's not okay.

Honestly, it sounds like you might be projecting - taking the feelings you have about yourself, or the things you worry might be true, and attributing them to your worker. Projecting is a psychological phenomenon that we all do with uncomfortable feelings - when we feel judged or rejected, it's sometimes because we feel bad about ourselves and make assumptions about the words or actions of others.

Projecting is a  problem because it means you can't really see what's going on with your escort. When those feelings of hurt and rejection take over, and you tell yourself the stories that fit with your own negative feelings, you're going to miss out on seeing the real situation.

You might benefit unpacking this stuff a bit with a sex-positive therapist, or a good friend - someone who can help you process those uncomfortable feelings. Once you're feeling more secure, it might be easier to look at the situation objectively.

(P.S. There's really no such thing as 'damaged goods'. All human beings are imperfect. Growing as a person means accepting this and learning to appreciate yourself regardless of your flaws and insecurities.)

What's really going on here?

Obviously I don't know your specific situation, so I might get this wrong. This is just a guess - please hear what I have to say and then see how well it fits for you.

Often, a client that sees and escort for any amount of time might start to develop feelings of attachment. Because we've been taught that attachment = love and commitment, they start to expect that the escort will want to date them or see them outside their paid time together.

But when it comes to escort/client relationships, that's just not how it works. We're a service provider running a business, and no matter how much we like you, we're not going to be able to alter the nature of that relationship.

This means you need to learn how to 'stay in your lane' - accept the transactional nature of the relationship and stick to being a good client. This kind of situation has a lot of rewards - if you've been seeing the same escort for months or years, you may form a dee, respectful and very personal connection with them, and it can add a lot of enjoyment.

But it's still a professional relationship.

"In the end all men pay."

It sounds like you're resentful - you feel like you've had to pay, and that it's unfair.

This kind of thinking reminds me a bit of red-pillers and MGTOWs - guys who think women have all the power in society. Folks such as these feel they're being treated unfairly when they're denied the kind of contact (sexual, social or romantic) that they want.

In the case of sex work, the 'paying' is even more obvious - you're having to hand over your cash! If you feel you're not getting what you need in return, it could be frustrating and leave you disillusioned.

The problem here, I suspect, is with your expectations, not with the transaction.

It's a free country, and we all get to choose. You get to choose who you spend time with and what you do with your body...and so does everyone else in the world, whether they're women or sex workers or both. What makes it fair, is when we're honest about what we're willing to give, and what we want in return. Then everyone gets to choose whether to participate, or walk away.

None of us owe anyone else anything. You're not obligated to see sex workers, and your worker isn't obligated to provide any kind of service that they're uncomfortable with.

So, as an escort client, it's your job to check out a worker's prices, be realistic about the kind of experience a paid professional can offer, and then decide whether it's going to work for you. If it doesn't work for you, it's your responsibility to explore alternatives for getting your needs met.

And when they say 'no' to a date or a friendly hang, try to remind yourself that it's not because they look down on you...it's probably just because they have good professional boundaries, the same as anyone else running any sort of business.