I’ve been seeing escorts for a long time now, but I’ve never felt like I could talk about it. Not even to my best mates. It’s lonely sometimes. Feeling like I’m doing something wrong even though it’s been good for me and made me feel better about life in general. Am I a bad person for paying for sex?
The issue of "Should I be doing this?" comes up often for my clients, and for people I meet online.
It’s not always direct – sometimes people say, “How do I stop feeling guilty after seeing an escort?” or “How can I make sure I don’t seem creepy when I’m asking for what I want?” But these questions all come from the same place. Escort clients worry that seeing sex workers is wrong; that they’re bad people for wanting to pay for a sexual experience.
I’m going to explain why this happens, and why seeing sex workers is totally fine, as long as you’re treating them with respect. If you’re a client who’s ever doubted yourself, you need to hear this.
Whorephobia sucks. Don't fall for it!
So we know that most of the stuff we see about sex work in movies and on TV is really negative. There’s this stereotype that all sex workers are being abused and that they’re victims. There’s also an assumption that all clients are creepy and predatory, or desperately need sex, or both.
This is knowns as 'sex work stigma' or 'whorephobia' - the persistent belief that sex work is shameful, unhealthy, or abusive.
The world has no idea what sex work is really like. And because so many people feel negatively about sex – especially sex outside of marriage, or sex with more than one partner – they tend to feel negative about sex work too. Throw in some misguided rhetoric from abolitionists and anti-sex-work feminists (otherwise knowns as SWERFs) and the whole thing starts to seem pretty shady.
It’s easy to get sucked in by the whorephobia. When I first started working as an escort, I did assume that the people I’d be meeting would be creepy. I assumed that only desperate guys paid for sex.
And I can tell you, I was in for a shock, because my clients turned out to be some of the most normal, regular people imaginable.
I met tons of guys who could have dated or picked up women if they felt like it, but felt it was more honest to simply pay for the experience they wanted. I met plenty of people who weren’t just trying to get laid; they also wanted to enjoy my company, talk to me about their lives, and connect with me as a human being.
Also, it’s not just guys. People of all genders see sex workers. A lot of my work is seeing couples, and those people aren’t desperate or creepy either, they’re just regular folks wanting to bring a little more adventure into their sex lives.
Sex work is a service like any other.
Honestly, sex work is just that...work. It's a service-based business that involves paying a professional to create a sexy experience for you.
It's not just about swapping money for sex - rather, it's about connection, company, touch, validation, affection, exploration and pleasure. These are legitimate needs, and as long as you're treating your worker respectfully, you're not doing anything wrong for getting your needs met via sex work.
But, of course, that's not the whole story...
Now, I’m not saying that sex work is an asshole-free zone.
This is the problem with the way movies and TV and stuff talk about my job, because when people get the idea that sex workers are dodgy and that sex work clients are creepy, sometimes some people think it’s okay to contact me and act creepy or sleazy, or to treat me like an object instead of a human being.
This is awful for me, because I’m not being treated the way that I deserve, and it sucks for them, because they’ll either end up getting a bad service, or I’ll just say no, and they won’t even get a booking in the first place.
So, one thing I would advise, if you’re worried that you might be a bad person for seeing escorts, is that you make sure you’re treating your worker with respect, like any other professional. That means paying their fee, putting in some effort to ensure they’re having a good time too, and respecting their boundaries. Doing this builds trust, makes for better sex and allows you to make friends with the person you spend time with.
Less shame means you're free to enjoy your experience.
You need to let go of the idea that seeing sex workers is bad – because if you’re feeling guilty or ashamed, it’s going to get in the way of you being honest with your escort about what you need, and it’s also going to get in the way of you both relaxing and having fun together.
In all my years working, I’ve met so many different types of people and almost everyone I’ve met has been great. Guys who see sex workers are just regular guys. Girls who see sex workers are just regular girls. And couples who see sex workers are just regular couples. It really is that simple.
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My guide 'Getting Started with Escorts' explains how to arrange a session with a hands-on sex worker.