Independent escorts provide an incredible service. Thousands of people all over Australia see workers for everything from awesome sex, to kink sessions, to a quiet night together watching Netflix.
But there's a problem.
It’s really difficult to find reliable information on how to do this stuff. Seeing sex workers isn’t something most people can talk openly about, which makes it difficult to ask for advice. If you can talk to your friends about it, you’re one of the lucky ones! But for most people, working out how to find, book and spend time with escorts is trial-and-error.
Often, it's a client's headspace that makes the most difference. You may obsess about how much to spend or what to say to your date when you meet, but these are minor details compared to how you feel about sex, and the attitudes you hold about sex work. Once your head is in the right place, the other details often fall into place.
Even a little information can go a long way. Here are five facts about escorts you need to know, to start things off right.
1. It’s nothing to be ashamed of
Sex is nothing to be ashamed of, and neither is seeing sex workers.
I know there are a lot of negative messages out there – we’re told that having casual sex is bad, and that seeing sex workers is something only bad people do. It’s a shame that the rest of the world is so negative, because I believe that sex, touch and intimacy are so important to our health and happiness! And escorts are a wonderful way to experience this.
Sex negativity and sex work stigma can ruin your experience. If you walk into an escort session feeling ashamed of yourself, or thinking the person you’re seeing is dodgy, then you’re not going to be able to relax and be yourself. It’s hard to treat sexual partners with respect if we feel bad, and it’s almost impossible to be honest about what we really want. Sometimes when we feel negative about sex, we criticise our own sexual performance and bodies too. That sucks. You need to get rid of some of that shamey stuff before you start or it will get in the way of you enjoying yourself.
As long as you’re treating your partners with respect, seeing escorts is nothing to be ashamed of.
2. Sex work is work
This is your reality check, if you’re wondering how to interact with your escort.
Sex work is a job: I like to think of it as a cross between massage therapy (because there’s a lot of touching involved) and counseling (because we spend so much time managing peoples’ feelings.) ‘Sex work is work’ is a reminder that no matter how steamy your time together gets, outside of that session you need to treat your escort like any other skilled professional.
I know some people don’t want to be reminded that escorting is a job, because it makes them feel as though the time they spend with their date isn’t genuine. But over my time as an escort, I’ve found that genuine moments of intimacy definitely happen during a booking. The trick is, you can’t demand it. You can only turn up, relax and let it happen.
Which brings me to my next point…
3. You’re not buying sex, you’re buying opportunity
There’s a common misconception that sex work is all about ‘paying for sex’. That’s not actually how it works.
Sure, you might contact someone, ask for what you want, plan a fun evening of sexual stuff together… But what happens when you arrive depends on a whole lot of factors, including whether you’ve brought the payment, your personal hygiene, how you treat your escort, and what sort of connection you both have.
We give you the opportunity to spend time with the kind of people you couldn’t normally, and to ask for what you want. But sex and people are unpredictable, and it’s only time and opportunity we’re offering. So although you might be paying for a session, you aren’t guaranteed everything you want – we always have a right to say ‘no.’
You might be thinking, ‘Well, what’s the point then?’ The point is, sex and intimacy are enjoyable precisely because they’re not a hundred percent predictable. If sex were about following the same list of steps all the time, everyone would be bored.
Good sex is about following your instincts in the moment; the best way to ensure an incredible experience is to be honest about what you want, make the effort to be a good lover, then let things happen naturally.
4. It’s all about connection
Sometimes people assume that there are only two kinds of sex – the romantic, committed stuff you save for partners and spouses, and the emotionless, casual sex you have with strangers and sex workers.
This leads to problems – clients assume they shouldn’t have feelings when they see escorts. But, let’s be honest, sex without feelings kinda sucks. When it comes to having great sessions, your emotional connection with your escort will determine how much you both enjoy yourselves.
Connection is the feeling you get when you’re in tune with your partner. It means being focused on them, feeling comfortable, and trusting them a little. Connection is essential for any type of escort booking. If you’re doing a ‘girlfriend experience’ type booking, you might spend a whole evening connecting and getting to know your escort. But even if you’re just there for a quick shag, making a connection first is really important.
If you’re feeling disconnected, you won’t have a great experience. If you’ve ever had sex with someone and felt as though was mechanical, or boring – if you were distracted, or anxious, or didn’t feel right – well, that’s what lack of connection feels like. But once the connection is there, you can concentrate.
Connection can’t be forced; you have to allow some space for it, and hope it shows up. Taking the time to get to know your escort definitely helps. And don’t push those emotions away – they’re part of the experience.
5. If all else fails, just be honest
Seeing escorts can get complicated because there are no hard-and-fast rules, and everyone is different. Never fear; escorts are used to meeting people who don’t know what to do.
If you’re stuck, anxious or confused it’s totally okay to admit it.
A good escort will always be willing to help you out once you’ve arranged a booking. It's fine to say, ‘I’m really nervous’, ‘I’m not sure what to do now’, ‘Can I touch you there?’ or ‘Is there anything else I’m supposed to be doing right now?’
When we know what you need in the moment, it’s easier for us to take care of you. I guarantee that not matter how stupid you think your question is, a previous client will have asked something similar.
So now you have your very own escort magic…
…the basic ideas that can help you have amazing experiences.
Remember this stuff, and it can help you out of many tricky situations where you might not be sure what to do or say. You’re way ahead of the game and well on the way to having the best escort date of your life.
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My guide 'Getting Started with Escorts' explains how to arrange a session with a hands-on sex worker.