There’s a golden rule when it comes to seeing escorts…never assume we’re all the same. If you're worried about getting it right, you need to learn how to ask.
People mess this one up all the time. It starts with an innocent question:
“Do escorts prefer gifts or cash tips?”
“Do escorts like to be reviewed online?”
“How can I please my worker in the bedroom?”
“How many messages can I send between bookings?”
All these questions are straightforward, understandable, and very common. But there’s a problem: they all assume that there’s one universal answer.
Many clients I speak with aren’t sure how to behave – when arranging a booking, during the encounter, or afterwards – and they’re anxious to get it right. This can lead to a search for the right things to say, gifts to buy, and sexual moves to try in the bedroom. Sometimes our need to know the ‘right’ thing to do is so pressing that it’s easy to overlook the fact that the same answer won’t apply to everyone.
This is the golden rule: all escorts are different. We have different personalities, sexual preferences, and ways of doing business.
Sounds obvious, right? But it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that we all work the same way. It happens a lot with women in general: when bewildered guys say, ‘What do women really want?’ they’ve forgotten that we’re individuals just like everyone else.
Assuming we all have the same needs can get you into trouble. It means that, even if you set out to do the right thing, you might get it totally wrong simply because one escort expressed a preference and you assumed it applied to everyone. If you read a Twitter post about a worker who loves flowers, don’t assume your next lady will feel the same way!
Trouble can also arise when we treat our new lovers the same way as the last. I’ve been guilty of this with new partners – sometimes I find myself relying on a sexual position or technique that someone else liked in the past, without checking to see whether my current date likes it too. It means you might not be giving someone what they enjoy… or, if you expect a particular type of service but don’t ask beforehand, you could be disappointed.
It may be frustrating to hear this. If you’re a diligent and caring client (most of my clients are) you’ve no doubt care deeply about getting things right. It’s tricky, because there’s very little information to go on at first. And worrying that you’ll ruin things if you get it wrong adds a lot of anxiety to the situation. I can understand why you might become discouraged, knowing that there’s no one correct answer.
But it’s not hopeless. There are ways to work out the answers – without making things awkward. Here are three steps to finding out what your escort needs, and how they like to be treated.
Think of sex work as though it were any other sort of business
Seeing a sex worker is a lot like seeing a massage therapist, or a counsellor, or visiting your accountant. You need to make an appointment, turn up on time and let us make professional decisions about how to give you the best possible service. If you’re stuck on a question, substitute the word ‘escort’ for any other service-type business, and see if the answer becomes obvious.
Do some research…because sometimes, sex work isn’t like other businesses
Treating your worker as a professional is a great start. But what about the ways escorting is different from other types of work? Because it’s such a personal enterprise, our bodies, safety, and privacy often need to be considered more than if we were providing a non-sexual service.
This step involves doing some research online. Scarlet Blue’s guest blog could be helpful…and many workers have personal blogs that can help give you insight into how we like to be treated.
Making the effort to find general information means you won’t overwhelm your escort by asking them hundreds of questions. As you learn more abut how to see sex workers, you’ll be able to focus on the questions you really need answered – the ones you’re most anxious or unsure about.
When you find someone you’d like to spend time with, it’s time to move to step three…
Ask, when the time is right
You don’t always need to know every little detail ahead of time. There’s this standard cultural idea that when it comes to sex, we’re supposed to have all the answers…but I think that’s silly. We’re not mind readers, and since everyone is different it’s unreasonable to expect that you’re going to walk into your first escort session full of confidence.
Sometimes, simply asking at the time is the best way to find out what you need. If you’re not sure how to please your escort in bed, ask them once you’re naked together. If you’re not sure whether your worker likes reviews, send them a polite email to check before you post one online. Admitting you don’t know – and that you care enough to ask – shows character, and most escorts will dearly appreciate it.
Waiting until the question is necessary means you won’t overwhelm your worker with requests for information beforehand. And asking when you’re not sure in the moment means you’ll avoid looking silly by pretending to know everything.
A session with a sex worker is an encounter with a genuine human being – who has their own individual needs and desires. We’re all different – it’s part of the fun! So remember the golden rule, and never assume we’re all the same. By treating our work as a business, by doing a little research, and then by asking your escort, you’ll be able to figure it out.
We don’t expect you to get it perfect – and we do appreciate you taking the time to think about what each of us really wants.
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My guide 'Getting Started with Escorts' explains how to arrange a session with a hands-on sex worker.