We’re sitting cross-legged on the bed.
I’m wearing my lingerie; he’s taken off his shoes and socks, jacket and well-pressed trousers, but he’s still wearing his business shirt. The lights are dimmed, and we’ve drawn the blinds on a rainy Melbourne afternoon. Right now, it feels as though we’re in our own little world.
I say, “What would you like me to do for you right now?”
He stretches, glances at the ceiling, considers. Finally, he smiles. “I’d really like you to stroke my neck,” he says.
I set the timer, and we begin.
Lately, I’ve been playing a simple game with my clients. It’s called the two-minute game, and it’s totally changed how I conduct my sessions.
The two-minute game is a way of getting sexy that’s been recommended by sex educators and therapists for years, in one form or another. The version I use is taught by Curious Creatures, an Australian provider of self-development workshops. Here’s what it’s about: basically, we each take turns asking for – and giving each other – exactly what we want.
Every turn is different…
“Will you kiss me for two minutes?” I ask.
He nods. "How should I do it?"
"Slowly. And gently." I say. Our heads move closer together.
The idea of playing a sex game might seem strange to you. Often, we think that there’s only one way to do sex – a ‘script’ of interaction that means we make out, touch each other, and have sex the same way every time. This is what I call the ‘sex escalator’ – the pressure to follow convention.
Unfortunately, the sex escalator often leads to uninspiring sex. When a hook-up is predictable, we sometimes stop paying attention, and our sexy play becomes mechanical instead of fun and spontaneous. If you’ve ever caught yourself, mid-shag, thinking about your shopping list (or the last porn movie you watched), you’ll know what I mean! When we stop focusing on what we’re doing, we often miss out on the best bits of the sexual experience.
“What would you like us to do for the next two minutes?” I ask.
He fidgets nervously. He says, “I’m worried I might ask you for something you don’t want to do.”
I stroke his shoulder, kiss him on the cheek. “You’re always allowed to ask. If you ask for something I don’t enjoy, I’ll just say ‘pass’ and you can choose something else. There’s no judgement.”
He breathes a sigh of relief. "Can you put your arms around me? I want to do sexy stuff soon, but right now I just feel like a hug.”
“Yes, I’d like that too.” I say. It doesn’t have to be about sex… unless we want it to be.
The two-minute game helps us focus on pleasure, without the escalator. When we talk with each other about our needs, we’re making a conscious decision to stay involved. And because there’s no routine, there’s less risk of switching off.
There’s another advantage: actually getting what we want. Everyone enjoys different things in the bedroom – different types of touch, different sexual positions. Most of the time we never get exactly what we need, because we’re too afraid to ask. The two-minute Game allows you to be honest about your desires.
Despite the fact that we're looking at the clock every few minutes, the session time has passed quickly.
"I think I'd like to have sex now," he says.
"For two minutes? Or would you prefer to stop playing?" I ask.
He smiles. "It's worked so far, why not try it this way too? Although I'm sure I'll regret saying that in two minutes."
We laugh together. "I might have to ask for the same thing next..." I say. When every moment is so short, it makes us want more and more...creating a build-up of irresistible anticipation.
My motto is, ‘life is too short to have bad sex.’ When we stick to what we know, we often miss out on some incredible experiences. On the other hand, trying something new can make pleasure more intense, and every moment feel like the first time.
The two-minute game is a way to break free of the norm and have new adventures. I can’t recommend it highly enough, to those who want to take their sex lives to the next level.
You can learn to play the two-minute game via Curious Creatures’ Melbourne, Sydney, and Brisbane workshops. Visit the website to learn more.