“I don’t share anything personal about myself with the escorts I see – why would I? It’s just about sex.”
The words popped up on my screen – an opinion offered on Twitter by a long-time punter.
Ironically, I had just spent half an hour doing exactly the opposite – sharing my thoughts with a lovely gent over coffee in my local café. I’d spoken with him about my latest writing projects and favourite books. He had described his hobby farm in rural Victoria, and talked about how proud he was of his kids. Our coffee date had been fun – flirty and interesting. He had left with a promise to call and arrange a sexier booking in the future.
When I’m spending time with clients, I love feeling as though I’m on a date. I enjoy the companionship, the stories, and the interesting insights I gain into another person’s life. But, as I learned from that Twitter post, not everyone feels the same.
Why do we call a booking with an escort a ‘date’? Is it really a date? And why bother going on a date with an escort, when it’s considered a simple sexual transaction? To answer these questions, I’ll need to tell you about my very first day on the job.
What I learned on my first day as a sex worker
I started work in a brothel when I was twenty-eight years old. Let’s be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect.
Most people outside the industry think that it's just about sex – that’s why it’s called ‘sex work’, right? Accordingly, I assumed that I’d be meeting a lot of horny guys who just wanted to get off.
Was I wrong about that! Once I started actually meeting clients, I quickly changed my opinion.
Here’s how it works: us ladies would sit in the private lounge until a client (or group of them) arrived. Then we'd sashay out to introduce ourselves one by one. The guys who visited were diverse – every imaginable age and personality. Some were of average or below-average looks, but plenty were young, fit and conventionally attractive.
Every time I met someone new, I’d say ‘what are you looking for?’ and ‘what sort of lady did you want?’ Their answers, too, were each different. There was no typical type of client and no typical type of session.
I mean, sure, some guys just wanted to have sex then leave. But there was usually more involved than just sex. Some of my clients wanted to talk beforehand and get to know me, and some of them just wanted to talk – no sex required!
I remember holding someone in my arms as they told me about their failed marriage and listening to another describe his kinks (I assured him that they were perfectly normal). I spent a memorable hour with a gent who wanted to get me off – he wasn’t at all interested in his own sexual pleasure.
It became clear to me that our clients weren’t just looking for orgasms. They were also seeking out all sorts of other satisfaction: companionship, conversation, compliments, and human contact.
When I became an independent escort, I gained even more freedom. No longer did my client and I have to hurry to avoid the ‘buzzer’ announcing the end of the session. No longer were we limited to one room – we could spend time in settings that inspired us. I’ve had some wonderful dates in up-market hotels. I've also enjoyed meeting my clients in whiskey bars, at the cinema, at my favourite restaurant or even in the park for a long walk and a chat...just like a regular date.
Connection is essential for good sex
Spending time with an escort isn’t about exchanging money for sex.
It’s about paying for access to someone’s expertise, time and attention. When you pay to see an escort, you’re paying for the opportunity to make a meaningful connection with someone.
Some clients don’t think the exchange should involve emotion, but I disagree. The best sex happens when two people appreciate each other with their minds as well as their bodies. After all, if you aren’t interested in your partner as a person, why find them attractive at all?
Without communication, connection, and enthusiastic participation, we just feel as though we’re being used (or using others) for physical pleasure. And that's not much fun, regardless of whether you're paying or not.
In order to have the best sex possible with an escort, it’s necessary to establish a connection. This process looks exactly the same as a romantic date. I often spend an hour or more chatting with a client before we get down to the sexy stuff.
When spend a long time connecting – such as over drinks or a dinner date – then the real magic happens. I’ve found that treating an escort booking like an actual date results in a extra degree of closeness, so that by the time we end up back at the hotel we’re both looking forward to getting intimate. Without all that build-up, flirting, and conversation, it just wouldn’t be the same.
So what's the real difference?
The main difference between a ‘real-life’ date and an escort date is that sex work has clearer boundaries.
Although we spend time getting to know each other, the relationship starts and inside the session time. Outside of this, I’m just another professional.
You might think this sounds disappointing, but for many it creates much-needed safety. Real-life relationships are messy and time-consuming; sometimes it’s much more relaxing to have an interlude that’s clearly defined, where you don’t have to worry about what will happen the next day.
The best experiences happen when you allow them to be genuine.
This is my advice: treat your booking as though it were a romantic adventure. Be yourself, try to make a genuine connection with your escort, and let things happen naturally.
Once it's over, be grateful that you don't have to worry about emotional attachment, unexpected demands, or unwanted drama. Your worker will leave you with a smile on your face...and they won't come back until it's convenient for you. It's the perfect situation.
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My guide 'Getting Started with Escorts' explains how to arrange a session with a hands-on sex worker.