For many years, I worked as an 'escort client coach'. In one-on-one sessions at coffee shops or via Zoom, I showed clients how to have incredible experiences with sex workers.
From shame and anxiety to etiquette and conversation skills, it seems that many people struggle with similar issues when it comes to seeing escorts and other independent providers. Often, you may feel as though you need to work this stuff out on your own...but as a client coach, I know that there's a better way.
"What's an 'escort client coach'?
What’s an escort client coach, you may ask? Basically, it’s someone who chats with people who see sex workers, and gives advice and guidance to help make their experiences better.
There's a lot of shame and stigma attached to sex work. Often, people feel as though their adventures with escorts need to be conducted in secret. They can't tell their friends, family, workmates, and sometimes even partners. It's a very isolating experience.
If they run into trouble along the way, it's even more difficult. You might struggle with issues such as:
- Getting over your fear and anxiety around sex and sex workers
- Knowing where to find a good escort, and how to contact them
- Preparing for your first experience
- Dealing with feelings of attachment and loneliness
They can't ask anyone for advice - even bringing it up with mates might feel too shameful. And even if you do find someone to talk it over with, such as a close friend or therapist, they might not know enough about sex work to give good advice.
That's where I came in. As someone with a lot of experience in the sex industry, I reassured clients that they weren't doing anything wrong, told them what to expect, and helped them get unstuck when they felt awkward.
Georgie says: As far as I know, I'm the only sex worker in the world who offered this service. Of course, your regular worker will probably be able to offer great advice too, if you're willing to pay for their time!
There was a lot of variety – sometimes I'd advise clients on how to book an escort for the first time, and build their confidence so that they felt less nervous on their first date. Sometimes I taught guys how to ask for what they wanted, and ensure their partners feel comfortable. Sometimes I helped experienced clients manage their feelings around having a long-term professional relationship with a sex worker.
No matter the issue, there are always options for doing better, feeling more confident, and creating better experiences.
Many escort clients deal with similar problems.
During my time working with escort clients, I noticed that some issues come up more than others. Here are the five most common questions new coaching clients ask
1. "Am I a bad person for seeing sex workers?"
Do you worry that spending time with escorts means you're a bad person?
It could be something as subtle as a tiny voice in your head saying, "What's wrong with you, that you need to pay for sex?" You might worry that you're hurting the people you get sexy with, or that approaching escorts makes you look like a creep. You may even have been judged by friends or partners in the past when they find out you've chosen to do this stuff.
If any of this has happened to you, it's totally understandable.
From the front-page news to cop shows on Netflix, it sometimes feels as though everyone is hating on sex workers and their clients. Guys who spend time with escorts are assumed to creepy, or desperate for sex. And sex workers are often judged as damaged or desperate for money.
These stereotypes are completely false.
Why do people really see escorts? People of all kinds (not just guys) choose sex workers for totally legitimate reasons, including:
- Getting over a breakup
- Learning new skills in the bedroom
- Rediscovering their sexual confidence after a divorce
- Experiencing pleasure and relaxation
- Simply getting laid, without romantic obligations
As for the idea that sex workers are damaged...well, all I can say is that I've met a lot of escorts in my time in the industry, and they're simply people just like you. There are many reasons why escorts choose their work, such as:
- Because it's flexible and allows them to pursue other hobbies
- Because it gives them time to look after their families
- Because they find the work (and their clients) interesting
- Because it's profitable and rewarding, same as any other job
I think it's time we let go of all those harmful stereotypes, and accepted that paying for a sexual experience is no worse than purchasing a good meal or a relaxing massage. It's simply business, and as long as you treat the workers you meet with kindness and respect, you're not doing anything wrong.
2.”Will seeing an escort feel weird or awkward?”‘
Let's face it: Sex can be scary and awkward. Often, we’re afraid of being unsafe, looking silly, or being judged. And just because you’re paying doesn’t necessarily mean that all those fears magically vanish.
Seeing an escort can be very nerve-wracking, especially for first-timers. Many of the people I work with are terrified that they'll say the wrong thing, upset their play partner, or have trouble performing in bed.
The thing to remember is that escorts are intimacy experts; it’s our job to make you feel safe and appreciated. Escorts are used to spending time with nervous guys - getting you comfortable is a big part of what makes us professionals!
You’re much more likely to be cared for and accepted by a sex worker than, say, by a random Tinder hook-up or a blind date. If you stammer, make a bad joke, or need a bit of extra patience in the bedroom, a good escort won't judge you. It's something we've seen many times before.
I always recommend researching your chosen escort beforehand, so that you can reassure yourself that they'll treat you with kindness.
This might mean checking their social media, such as Twitter, to see how they interact with others. You might also want to schedule a coffee date or phone chat before the big date - although it means paying a little more, it helps you to become friends with your worker, so that you feel more confident around them.
3.”How do tell my sex worker what I want, without being pushy?”
Lots of folks – especially guys – have been told that it’s creepy to directly ask for sex. So instead of having a conversation, they drop hints hint or make sudden moves.
But that's not the best way. Good sex only happens when everyone feels comfortable and knows how to please one another - if your desires aren't out in the open, your sex worker might not know what you need. And if you make a sexy move without checking in first, such as grabbing someone or jumping on top of them, you might freak them out.
Escorts are professionals, and the nice thing about seeing a professional is that we're very open to you asking for what you want. In fact, your being honest is helpful for us, because it means we can concentrate on the sexy stuff that you really enjoy.
The key to asking without being pushy is to be honest, but also give your escort space to agree and get involved. Try saying:
- "How would you feel about taking things to the bedroom?"
- "I'd love to go down on you right now. Is that something you're into?"
- "I've always wanted to try a bit of spanking, but feel free to say 'no' if it's not your thing."
Once you've asked, your escort has a chance to say yes, say no, or suggest an alternative activity. Remember, sex isn't something you do to another person, it's something two people do together. Getting a 'yes please' from your worker is essential, before you do the crazy sexy stuff you've been fantasising about.
If an escort say 'no' to an activity, it's not personal. After all, everyone enjoys different things! Perhaps you could come up with a different suggestion, or ask them what they'd prefer?
Once you've both agreed, you can get down to business...and you'll know for certain that your worker is enjoying themselves too.
A note for USA clients:
If you're in a location where sex work is criminalized, such as the USA, you might not be able to talk about specific sexual activities right away. Any suggestion that you're swapping sex for money is off-limits! Instead, you'll need to wait until you're getting intimate with your escort, and you've built up some trust, before you ask for specific stuff.
4.”How can I avoid feeling depressed the day after a booking?"
Do you feel down the day after really good sex, or a fun date?
I’ve talked with many escort clients who feel depressed the day after a session. Sometimes it’s a sad and lonely feeling, sometimes more just feeling tired or irritable.
There are many reasons why this might happen. For example:
- If you worry that seeing sex workers is wrong, you might feel ashamed afterwards, even if you had a really good time.
- If you feel insecure about your body, your equipment, or your sexual performance, you might worry that you didn't measure up.
- If you're lonely or recovering from the loss of a past relationship, having good sex might remind you of what you're missing out on.
- If you're socially anxious, you might worry that you've said or done something wrong. This is super common, especially after sex!
But there’s also a simpler explanation, and it’s all about your brain chemistry.
When we have an intense, enjoyable experience (like sex, for example), our brains release a whole lot of happy chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin into our bodies. This is the stuff that makes sex feel so enjoyable! Unfortunately, we only have a limited supply. Often, the day after an emotional experience, our brain runs low on the good chemistry and we end up feeling sad or grumpy. This is a phenomenon known as ‘drop.’
Drop is temporary– it only lasts a day or so, as our brains get back to normal. If you’re feeling terrible, it’s useful to remind yourself that it’s just a chemical imbalance, and that it won’t last.
5. “How can I tell if my escort is genuinely enjoying it too?”
How do you know if your escort is having a good time? It’s their job to make you feel sexy…so how much of that is real, and how much is performance?
The answer is, it's a bit of both.
Although we certainly do like many of the people we meet, we're still providing a professional service. So part of the job is about being genuinely friendly, and part of it is about giving you the sexy experience you're paying for.
Escorts are selective about our clients. If we’re choosing to see you, you need to trust that we’ve chosen you, and let us do our jobs.
Look for smiles, energy, and good communication. If your worker seems cheerful and you're both talking about what you want and enjoy, you can be reasonably certain that they like you and are happy to be there.
If at any point you don’t get a happy vibe – if your escort looks upset or doesn’t want to engage with you – then it’s crucial to make sure nothing’s wrong. You can do this by simply asking, "Hey, can I just check in and make sure you're having a good time?" If you're having sex, you might want to ask, "How does that feel?" and follow their instructions to ensure you're doing the sexy stuff they enjoy.
But unless you see those warning signs, it's not necessary to worry. In fact, worrying too much can be a problem. Asking, "Do you really like me, or are you just pretending?" can be really off-putting for the worker, and might ruin the mood.
Georgie says: "I hate it when a client asks things like, 'Do you really like me?' or 'Did you just fake your orgasm?' It makes everything awkward, and I get worn out explaining over and over that I'm being genuine."
Trusting us to be friendly and professional - and relaxing, rather than asking for reassurance - will make things much more enjoyable, both for yourself and your escort.
My ultimate 'escort coach' advice...
At the end of the day, there's one piece of advice that I keep giving to clients, no matter their level of experience...
...we're all winging it.
Sex is messy, scary, and unpredictable...that's what makes it fun! And spending time with escorts is no different. You're allowed to feel nervous, make mistakes, and go back to try again. Nobody expects you to be perfect.
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