People often ask me “What’s the difference between an escort session and a regular hook-up?” The answer: plenty.
Seeing a sex worker gives you access to experiences that wouldn’t normally be available – experimenting with new sexual positions, experiencing different body types, or recreating a fantasy, for example. Paid experiences can also be much easier to navigate than a regular date, because the rules are clearer - if you're not sure what to do next, you're allowed to ask.
But despite the advantages of a well-boundaried professional encounter, some things don’t change. No matter who you spend time with – paid or unpaid – your level of skill and confidence will affect your enjoyment.
A sexual escapade is only as good as the effort of everyone involved. I usually sum this up with the phrase, ‘It takes two to tango.’ Your escort will probably have a lot of tricks up their sleeve – but we’re still human beings, and we can't do everything. The effort you make also has an impact on how well your booking flows, and how much you both enjoy yourselves.
Here are my four most effective hook-up skills.
1. Dump your sex-negativity - enjoy pleasure for its own sake.
Do you find talking about sex embarrassing? Do you feel ashamed after you get laid? It could be sex-negativity: the idea that sex is inherently bad, shameful or unhealthy.
Sex-negativity is taught to us from a very young age, and it’s super common. I know a lot of people who are too ashamed of talking about sex to ask for what they really want. This can cause a lot of frustration and wasted energy, as their escort tries to work out what they need. Even if you’re just looking for a standard hetero shag, all that negativity lurking in your head could be distracting you or getting you down.
Sex isn’t bad for you, and we all deserve to have fulfilling sex lives. Talking things over with a sex therapist is a great way to unpick the negative feelings, so that you can get out there and enjoy yourself.
2. Learn to connect with your partner.
Making new friends is an escort’s biggest skill. Even if we’ve never met you before, it’s our job to help you feel comfortable and get the sexy mood happening. But what if we’re having a hard day? What if we’ve just received some sad news, or gotten a bad nights’ sleep? We’re human beings like everyone else.
If you have some connection skills, you’ll be able to smooth the way for your escort to get to know you. It’s not complicated! It’s just a matter of taking a genuine interest in your date, asking them about their day, and taking some time to talk before the clothes come off.
And when both escort and client are good at connecting, that’s a quick route to a fun, effortless booking … the kind where everyone enjoys themselves.
3. Ask first - and ask for feedback, too.
Consent is essential for any sexual interaction, paid or not.
What do I mean by consent? I mean being honest about what you want, asking before you do stuff, and checking in with your escort to make sure they’re enjoying themselves.
It doesn’t have to be complicated – it’s as easy as saying something like, “I’d love to finger you,” and waiting for an enthusiastic reply before you start. During sex, I love it when a partner asks, ‘How does that feel?’ It means I can give them a genuine compliment (it feels great!) or help them adjust, if they haven’t hit the right spot.
Knowing your partner is having fun makes everything more enjoyable – and the only way to know is to ask.
4. Forget about what good sex is ‘supposed’ to look like...and stay in the moment.
Sex often runs to a script – the same as every porno or movie lovemaking scene we’ve ever watched. Talking, flirting, making out, touching, oral sex, intercourse, orgasm. There’s nothing wrong with this – if you know what you like, that’s great! But sometimes when we do sex the same way over and over, we stop paying attention.
It’s a bit like taking a drive down a familiar road – sometimes you just don’t concentrate on all the fun bits along the way.
Good sex means staying attentive, and the best way to do that is to slow down and stop doing things the same way over and over. Take a break, try a new position, offer your escort a massage – ditch the standard script and add a few new ideas into the mix. This will keep your brain (and your body) tuned in to what’s happening, and intensify your pleasure.
When it comes to the bedroom, you don't have to be perfect.
Seeing escorts means enjoying all the benefits and efforts of a sex professional. We don’t expect you to be perfect. But if you can bring some skills to the table too, you’re going to boost the quality of your booking – and take your experience to the next level.
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My guide 'Getting Started with Escorts' explains how to arrange a session with a hands-on sex worker.