Sex: we nearly all do it, either with someone else or alone with ourselves.
Getting laid is one of those human pursuits that everyone aspires to do well. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to get hold of good information on the subject.
This is partly because Western culture is so sex-negative – we don’t like talking about sex in public. But also, there’s an assumption that sex should come ‘naturally.’ It’s supposed to be ‘instinctive’. I disagree! Getting laid is a learned behaviour, and it’s one we need to work on.
I’ve been on this particular journey for a long time. It started when I was a (not so well-behaved) young lady, and it’s continued during my time as an escort. Sex is complicated because people are complicated creatures: what works for one person doesn’t always work for another. How are we supposed to do the right things, when society expects us to instinctively ‘know’ and our partners all enjoy different stuff?
Luckily, there are a few techniques that work in almost any situation. Here they are:
1. Slow down.
Sex isn’t a race to the finish line. Heterosexual sex often focuses on the orgasm (particularly the guy’s orgasm). This means that a lot of the good parts of sex are perceived to be ‘foreplay’, and are considered less important. But the best parts of sex are often the touching, the undressing, the kissing and the exploring. If you rush past these in your eagerness to get to the ‘main event’, you miss out on the real deal.
Women also take a lot longer than guys to get warmed up, so intercourse is a lot more fun when you take the time to explore first. I’m not talking about ten minutes here; I’m talking about an hour or more. I’ve had sex sessions that went for five hours without stopping – you don’t achieve that without hours and hours of foreplay.
2. Make eye contact.
Eye contact is hot regardless of whether you’re with a romantic partner, a casual hook-up or your favourite sex worker.
Eye contact makes it harder to ‘zone out’ and lose concentration - and the best sex involves being one-hundred-percent present.
Eye contact also says ‘I see you’ in a way that words don’t. It allows you to tune into the feelings and responses of your partner, so that you become more aware of what they enjoy.
Of course, eye gazing won’t tell you everything about what your lover likes. To really learn, you need to ask them, which brings me to my next point…
3. Ask ‘how does this feel?’
Often when I’m in bed with a guy, he’ll say ‘Is this ok?’ He’s asking this because he’s a good person, and wants to make sure he’s not doing anything I don’t like.
But ‘is this okay?’ isn’t a great line to use during sex. Firstly, it’s a pretty low bar to set – do you really want to be having sex with someone who thinks it's only ‘okay’? Don’t you want them to actually be having fun?
Rather, try saying, ‘How does this feel?’ Asking in this way encourages your partner to give you some feedback: ‘Yeah, that feels amazing’, or ‘could you move a bit to the left?’, or ‘I have a cramp in my leg.’
Any guidance you can get from your playmate will improve the experience, either by allowing you to adjust your technique until it's perfect, or by giving you a nice big ego boost.
4. Try more than just intercourse
Western sex often follows a very specific ‘script’. There’s foreplay, then there’s sex, then there’s orgasm.
Our script doesn’t leave much room for experimentation; worse, often we just ‘go through the motions’ without thinking about what we’re doing, because we’re used to following the same old pattern.
Breaking this habit keeps sex interesting. Try experimenting with touch (stroking, gentle scratching) or giving your partner a head-to-toe massage. Switch back and forth between intercourse and other activities (this is also great for taking a break to catch your breath.) Try forms of sex that aren’t the usual, such as using toys or mutual masturbation.
Anything that gets you ‘off-script’ will make sex more interesting.
Getting laid is exciting – our heart rate goes up, we breathe heavily, we make sexy noises … sometimes we even forget to breathe. And that's a shame, because breathing deeply has a lot of benefits:
- It's essential to stay relaxed and connected to your body.
- Slow breathing encourages your partner to relax - they will pick up on your vibe, even if they’re not fully conscious of it
- It helps you slow down, which in turn makes the sex better and helps you last longer
- It increases sensation in the body - you'll reach orgasm more easily, experience more pleasure
I hope these tips are useful - now it’s time to get out there and experiment. Good sex comes from learning and practice...and every little effort makes a big difference.
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