Have you ever wondered how consent actually works? Do you struggle to ask for what you want without feeling awkward? If so, this guide is for you.
This is a fun guide to consent. As an escort, I've learned some amazing skills for pleasing my partners and for getting exactly what I want in the bedroom. To me, that's what consent is for. It's an incredible tool for having mind-blowing sex.
But first, a disaster story...
Imagine you're right in the middle of a sexy encounter with an escort, when disaster strikes.
You've gotten though the tricky bits: meeting them, getting comfortable. You've started making out, and they've led you to the bedroom. But then you hit a snag. You're touching your playmate, and they're making noises, but it's hard to tell if they're noises of enjoyment or disapproval. And the expression on their face is confusing too - are they in pain, or about to come?
Suddenly, you're worrying about your performance. You're thinking "What I'm terrible in bed?" Instead of enjoying the moment, you feel awkward and insecure.
Or perhaps it goes the the other way.
You've started getting intimate, and your escort is giving you a really enthusiastic service. Unfortunately, it's just not the kind of technique you enjoy. You want to give them some instructions, but you're not sure how to have the conversation, and you feel awkward interrupting. So you just lie there miserably, trying not to lose your erection.
We all know that sex can be messy and confusing. There's lots going on. We're trying to figure it all out, and satisfy our partners while also enjoying ourselves. We worry that we're not doing well in bed, but often we're afraid to ask.
What if there was a better way?
How I learned to make consent work.
When I was younger I used to stay out late, party hard, and pick up.
I had plenty of fun sexual adventures. But because I didn't really know what I was doing, I rarely considered whether my partners were having a good time. I treated some of my dates really badly, and I was treated badly too. I also had some very bad sex.
Then, ten years ago, I became a sex worker.
Learning to do a good job as an escort taught me to be a much better lover. It was my responsibility to take care of my clients, make them feel comfortable, and find out what they wanted from me. To do all that, I had to learn to communicate.
And as I learned to ask my clients what they needed and show them how to please me, I suddenly found that my sex life got a whole lot better. Suddenly I was feeling much more relaxed, and experiencing much more pleasure. I knew how to care for my playmates, and felt good about myself when I satisfied them.
It was all down to consent - the process of making sure everyone involved is enthusiastic about what's going on.
What is consent, exactly?
Consent means everyone involved in sex (or any activity, really) agrees to what's happening.
When it comes to our own bodies, everyone has a right to say 'yes' or 'no' to anything, whether it's getting laid or having a cup of tea. Just like you, escorts have a right to say 'yes' to the stuff we enjoy and 'no' to the stuff we don’t. That’s what makes sex fun and enjoyable.
Over time, I've come to see consent in another way, too - as a useful skill for having good sex.
There's this idea that we're supposed to automatically know how to do sex well. But that's just not how it works! When it comes to getting laid, everyone enjoys different types of touch, different positions, and different techniques. It changes over time, too - one day we might be in the mood for some kinky play, for example, and another day we might prefer slow, romantic sex.
If everyone is so different, how can you be expected to guess, and get it right every time? Unless we communicate about what we want, we're all in the dark.
Trying to do sex without talking about it can lead to a lot of anxiety. You might worry that you're not satisfying your partner. You might struggle to get someone off, especially if you've just met them, because you don't know what they enjoy. Or, worse, you might do something they hate - and feel humiliated for screwing it up.
The way we avoid this - and hit all the right spots - is by asking. And it's much easier than you might think.
How to do consent like a pro.
So, how do we do this? How can you ask without making things awkward?
A lot of folks think that doing consent means asking ‘is this okay?’ every thirty seconds. That’s not how a sex pro does it. 'Is this okay?' is unhelpful, for two reasons:
- You're already doing the thing when you ask, so if you're partner doesn't like it then it's too late.
- ‘Okay’ is a pretty low bar, don’t you think?
I don’t want the sex you have to be ‘okay’. I want it to be great. This is ‘enthusiastic consent’: not just ‘yes’ but ‘Oh, God, yes, don’t stop, you feel amazing!’
We can get this happening by following three key steps.
Step 1: Ask beforehand
"I'd love to kiss you right now..."
The first step is to ask beforehand...not awkwardly, but sexily.
It’s hard to remember to ask about absolutely everything. When sex gets heated, things just happen naturally. But when you’re getting up close and personal with an escort, there are some sexual acts where asking is especially important:
- Play involving penetration, such as fingering or intercourse
- Anything fast, surprising, or painful, such as kink or rough sex
- Butt play - it’s never good manners to go near someone’s butthole without asking!
- Anything that involves coming on someone, or in someone’s mouth. Because it's a safer sex risk, some workers aren't comfortable making a mess.
Asking beforehand doesn't have to be awkward. It's about moving slowly, sexily, demonstrating your intentions by letting your date see what you're planning on doing and giving them a chance to agree. It's about asking, too - and if you do it right, it's just part of the foreplay. I love making out with someone, then leaning over and whispering in their ear, "I'd really love to fuck you now."
Here are a few sexy ways to ask:
- Just tell them what you want: "I'd love to make out with you."
- Ask them to guide you: "What's something that you'd enjoy right now?" This is a great line to use when you're stuck for ideas in the bedroom!
- Ask their opinion: "I feel like going down on you...how would you feel about that?"
No matter how you say it, make sure you get that enthusiastic 'yes' before you start. If you hear a 'no' (or don't get an answer at all) you'll need to suggest a different activity.
Step 2: Check in during the action
"How does that feel?"
This is where the real magic happens. Instead hoping your partner is enjoying themselves, slow down, look them in the eye and ask, ‘How does that feel?’
This line is especially useful for complicated stuff like giving head or making someone come. Rather than having to guess, you can listen to their feedback and adjust your technique until you get it exactly right.
If you’re in the middle of a hot session and you realise you haven’t asked in a while, why not check in and see how everything is going for her? She’ll either say “incredible!” (which is a big boost for your ego) or she’ll suggest something that might make the sex even better in the moment, such as change in position, hitting a different spot, or asking for something she really enjoys.
Step 3: Debrief afterwards
"How was that for you?"
Once the sex is done, there are still fun conversations to be had. When you're lying in bed together, enjoying the afterglow, try asking "How was that for you?"
Asking for feedback is a great move. You'll either get a compliment and wind up feeling great about yourself, or you'll learn about something you can do better next time.
A lot of folks are afraid to ask this question, because they're worried they're not good in bed. But unless you ask, how will you ever know? And honestly, if you've been using the other consent techniques above, it's likely you'll be getting compliments rather than criticism!
"What if it feels awkward?"
If you're new to talking in the bedroom, asking might feel super awkward. But keep trying! It gets easier with practice.
Even if you don’t pull off ‘sexy’ consent, it’s still better than not trying at all. Your escort will appreciate your efforts, no matter how imperfect.
Georgie says: "I love it when a client makes the effort to ask me what I enjoy. It doesn't matter if they're shy or awkward! So few clients start the conversation...so when someone does, it's really special."
"What if they say no?"
Sometimes we're afraid to ask for consent because the idea of hearing 'no' is too unpleasant.
You might feel ashamed for asking, or worry you've annoyed your escort. But asking (and hearing a 'no') is much safer than just going ahead without checking in first. If you try an unexpected sex move that your escort doesn't like, they'll tell you 'no' anyway, and they won't be happy about it.
Personally, I'd much rather ask than find out afterwards I got it wrong!
Consent is an incredible sex skill.
Nothing good in life comes easy, right? Being great at sex is just like becoming skilled at anything else - it takes time and practise.
But if there's a short cut to being good in bed, it's knowing how to do consent well. Once you feel comfortable asking you'll be able to give your playmates exactly what they want, negotiate with them to have all the sexy adventures your heart desires, and walk away from every encounter feeling confident that you've made them happy.